***Disclaimer... as I found a spare moment the beginning of this fall break, I decided to just write about the things God has done this wild and crazy semester and it basically turned into verbal vomit on the screen. These are just a string of thoughts...***


I find myself in my sister's dorm room at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, South Carolina. I have just completed a whirlwind of 13 weeks of school and am in a bit of shock realizing there are only 2 weeks of class remaining in my last fall semester as a student at Colorado State.
I cannot begin to describe the things God has done and taught me during the first 3-4 months of my 22nd year of existance, and yet I find myself with more questions and ponderings than ever before. Balance and tensions in God's Word tend to leave me hanging and at a loss for "what now?"
I have always been one to jump in with both feet. I read about CSU and 3 years later I moved into Newsom Hall a freshman equine science major. God showed me Mountain View and has grown me in that body for the last 3 1/2 years. Wilmington, I went. Tore my ACL and managed to play soccer, tennis, go surfing, wake boarding, and ride and show horses for 6 months before surgery. Pre-vet not for me? I find Pre-PT more interesting and changed my classes and 4 year plan the next day. Needless to say, I see an open door and charge. However, that entire menality was checked last spring when a door slammed in my face, God yanked the wheel from my hands (praise Jesus), opened another door and gave me a swift kick in the rear as I sailed through it, praying all the while that if this really wasn't where i was supposed to do, God would seal up every crack I could get through, knowing my mentality to charge like a bull (to the point of making people jump over 6 foot fences??! :)
After surrendering my summer and watching God do amazing things with me, I returned to my life unsure of the next steps, and unsure of how I should even go about making those steps... rather than jumping in, I was putting one toe at a time and testing each little pool. I ended up thinking of changing career paths yet again in what I call my senior year crisis. I was timid and felt so unsure of myself... I lost who I was as I struggled through all of the ups and downs and felt so far away from my Savior. I still struggle with my place in the world right now I guess... I can see a purpose further down the road, but in this limbo where leaving is possibly a short distance away, going with the changes of things I have been involved in in the past seems distant as well... like a spot I once occupied was somehow wisked away at some point and now I am at a loss for directions. I tried to be still but was so discontent and unsettled, I knew I could not remain in this particular state too much.
Finally, everything culminated in a week of decision. In something I can only attribute to God, I was stricken with a painful outbreak of coldsores on the inside of my mouth (honestly, Ihad like 15 at one point...). Okay, so not a big deal right, except for the fact that I have had a total of one, count it one cold sore in my entire life and it was confined to the corner of the outside of my mouth... So in the midst of physical ailments and overwhelming assignments and activities, I registered for classes, and two days later I scrapped it all and re-registered. Since then, a peace has overcome me, and once again I have an indescribable desire to know, obey, love, and therefore glorify my God... not a task, but a privilege. The world holds no joy as I can trust in Him and truly see the greater joy we have in His Name as opposed to what this world holds. No matter the beauty I see, the love I feel, the music I hear, the sweetness I smell and taste, it is all dirt, cow's dung, fingernails on a chalkboard compared to the place Christ is preparing for me and my brothers and sisters... that hope is real again. The security I had in that was removed from me as I sought security in a career, in a desire to go as I sat in a whirlwind, in myself and my ideas for life.
It is here that I find myself, and conversations from this weekend beg the questions. God says be still and know that I am God. Man plans his ways, and God directs his path. We are to trust Him and acknowledge Him in all that we do. His will and His plan for us is good. We are to be wise stewards of our time, money, all of the gifts God has granted. All of these things I believe and trust in, but just how they look in my life, His child's life in today's world, I cannot say. There's a balance between my charge mentality and the limbo of nothingness I found myself in. Charging forward is painful as doors slam you to the floor, but glorious as you see God work and are confronted with His sovereignty in the midst of any situation... there is no doubt in my mind God said "Go to Czech" and I grew so incredibly much as a result of that process. Then there is the waiting for God to give you a direction, which in my mind seems so much more agonizing, and yet I feel like you should be able to hear God's most gentle whisper. Except for the fact that when I am in those situations, my flesh rips me apart with doubt and depression.
So, how do I balance "GO" with "wait"? How do I pour myself out without the fear of change and separation? How can I live each and every day as if it were my last, with the urgency that Christ could indeed come back this very instant and the weeping and gnashing of teeth that will ensue by those around me who do not know the joy I hold? How can I be so selfish? In the words of LifeHouse: "How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?" How can I plan and surrender?
And my answer... only by God's grace... we can do nothing apart from Christ... and yet there seems to be a personal responsibility as well... not in salvation by any means or stretch of the imagination, but in the great commission, in our "not our own" life after the Holy Spirit inhabits us. The power to speak and create the entire universe lies within me, and yet the next 6 months, the next 6 days, seem so daunting...
So, action steps... seek and you shall find... we must know God to obey Him and love as He commands, which will give Him the most glory and be the most satisifying for us (see Piper's Let the Nations be Glad)

With that, the time change is getting to me and I have reached the end of this thought circle...

Czech Blog

So, I have officially launched a blog for my Czech trip... just so there's not the whole intermingling between my more informal discussion blog (this one) and my experience in Czech blog... so, yea, check there for updates while I am overseas and follow up afterwards!
www.camsinczech.blogspot.com

Lord, I don't know

This is a picture of the church we will be serving and working alongside in the Czech
Republic to teach English camps during the next 3 weeks.
As I was preparing prayer requests and such for this trip, I was forced to relive the last few months and how this trip came about in the first place. As many of you may know, my heart was set on returning to Wilmington for a month long trip this summer. I knew the second I returned home from our 10 day trip last summer that I wanted to go back. Tom's work just resonated with my heart... I held off hope though and waited until spring and where the pieces fell for timing this summer. When the trips for this summer were introduced and then later on during a talk about Wilmington, my heart nearly lept out of my chest with excitement. The dates worked perfectly and I would still have time to work on my thesis and get in some physical therapy hours... in my mind, I was going. I filled in my missions interest card and checked Wilmington as well as the Fort Collins and Greeley projects for the time that I would be here, leaving only the Czech trip unchecked.
Wilmington required an application process as Tom would only be accepting 6-8 people to go for the summer. I was so confident that this was where I was supposed to be that I didn't really have any doubts as to my being accepted...life was good, everything was falling into place for everything I was doing, this wouldn't be any different, right?
Then one Thursday night after Bible study, my world crumpled around me. All of my friends were dealing with some really tough stuff, and then I receive the e-mail that says I would not be going to Wilmington. My heart shattered... how could I be so wrong and misled in my plans for the summer? My mind immediately wandered to the "why?" questions and even to blaming others, anything that might explain how everything had run so amuck...
The next day, a Friday, a small group of us were going out to my roommate's ranch for the weekend to work cattle and hang out. Just before we left I checked my e-mail. I had an e-mail from Kevin, our former college pastor and now one of our church pastors. He encouraged me with the Wilmington stuff and asked if I had considered the Czech trip... he explained that he thought my gifts would be a good addition to a team there. Floored, I quickly grabbed my bags and jumped in the car to head out to the ranch. It was an amazing weekend where each of us could work through everything that was going on. Tired from working cattle and humbled, I came to terms with the fact that Wilmington was just not where I was supposed to be just yet. I would just become okay with remaining in Fort Collins to work and hang out when I would think about Czech. I prayed and talked to several people about my dilemma. I was worried about finances; I was worried about time; I was worried about my parents okaying it...
I explained it as a door being slammed right in my face as I attempted to go through the doorway, and as I sat dazed and confused on my rear end in the middle of the hallway, I realize there is a window open right beside that door, but now I couldn't figure out if I should go for the window or just keep walking down that hallway to see what else may await me.
I went around in circles and up and down for a couple of weeks. I would be so encouraged and ready to go when something would remind me of something else, or I would be hesitant because of how sure I was about Wilmington... how could I be so sure about anything at this point?
Finally, we were at Concert of Prayer in May. I was in a group with some amazing young women and we prayed for Czech and for the Czech team and I begged for an answer I had to have by Wednesday of that week. I can't really explain what happened during that service, but I have never prayed so fervently... I was in tears and I left immediately after it and called my Mom. I told her I was going and she said okay... she's usually worried about more details and I think she asked about a few things, but for the most part I had no idea of any details at that point, I just knew I was going. I walked back into church and Kevin greeted me and asked if I had any idea at that point. I was probably just beaming as I was able to tell him "YES" once in for all!
So, since then God has completely confirmed my decision. I love my team and I am excited to get to know each of them better as we serve along side one another. God has completely provided financially for my trip and given me time to get things done here before I leave. I will be able to go home before classes begin adn spend time with my family as my younger sister goes to college. I have gotten to know Wendy and Jay more and more as leaders of the trip. I was super excited from camp about teaching and am REALLY looking forward to teaching the English lessons and building relationships with the Czech students. We met with one of our Czech students who will be at Camp I and that totally helped calm any fears I had about working with them. I am also considering a more teaching focused career, either at a university or in extension services, so this will help with considering that.
However, even with all of these confirmations, I really have no idea why I am going to the Czech Republic in 6 days... I can only explain it as God said "Go!" and I said "Okay." Which in and of itself is exciting, because nothing on this trip will be of me... all the glory will go to Him who got me here and there in the first place. But at the same time I know God will work amazing things in Czech both in their hearts and mine. I pray He will use me as an instrument in a dark nation and that these camps will not only help them with their English but that they will receive the gift of salvation, the love of Christ, and hope in a dark world. As my roommate told me yesterday... "you're gonna have some Jesus stories!" What an honor and a privilege! Praise God!

So She Dances

What is it about dancing that resonates so with a woman's heart?
I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a dancer, or even someone who is remotely gifted in rhythm, much less moving to it. Those eight years of dance classes have slowly succumbed to the long years of riding horses, soccer, tennis, basketball, and several other more daring and much less graceful activities.
So, last year, I was introduced to salsa dancing and discovered a hidden longing for dancing again. I do not go that often for various reasons, but when I do go, I go with mixed emotions and much like a little girl. I am excited for the chance to dance, to be pulled out of my chair by a complete stranger and be led in a whirlwind of spins amongst dozens of other couples across the dance floor, but at the same time I am terrified of this stranger, of trusting him and of not knowing what step I may take next...
The last few weeks have been interesting in that I am terrified of time, of the fact that one year from today I have no idea where I may be or what goals I may be pursuing... I am one who has always known what she wanted to do, one who dreamed big and let nothing stand in her way, but then I got in my own way. I am simply at a loss for what comes next after college and prefer to pretend that this will never end and I will be in college forever, a bit of a Peter Pan if you will.
It was amidst this unfamiliar territory after 2 weeks of teaching camp and missing the horse world that I went salsa dancing 2 nights ago. I was only able to stay for an hour and half, but during that time I was able to forget myself, to simply follow and be led. I often joke that I am probably a most frustrating dance partner, because I have to be led every step of the way... no slacker partners for me :) I realized how much I long for that in life, to find a guy who will lead me each step of the way and whom I can support and trust.
But even further and more important than that, how I already have a Father who does that for me every day... I simply need to be still and trust. Even though I look down at my feet trying to figure out for myself where they will go next, I need to let go and trust Christ to guide my steps, because not only will He direct my path, He may just sweep me off of my feet completely, and what girl wants to miss being swept off of her feet?
So, in answering my opening question, some girls love dancing for its freedom and spice, some for the guy, but for me during this time of my life it provides an amazing picture of where I need to be in my relationship with God... enjoying the moment and the current movement and not worrying about the dip at the end of the song, because when I get there, He'll be right there to catch me.

Peter Pan flying to a country near you!

So, my 21st birthday is coming up in about a month... terrifying actually as it is one year closer to becoming completely responsible and I guess technically considered an "adult"... AAAAH!!!
2nd star to the right and on past morning right??!!?
But, anyways, kind of excited
August 8th, my 21st birthday will be spent in 3 - count it - 3 different countries: Czech Republic, Germany, and the US of A! HA! :) Not only will it be spent in 3 different countries, it will be an extra 6 hours long!
Granted, at the time I will be so jet lagged, I probably won't care too much... I'll just want to be home, but cool at the moment, none the less. :)

The Chicken Saga

So, been at home for just a few days now, and it’s amazing how some things never change, how some things you can always come home to, while the world around me continues to spin and change. Anyways, more on that in a later post.
Coming back home to the almost Confederate States of America never ceases to surprise me and offer some form of entertainment… things to ponder or scenes to laugh at clear through the night out on the front porch with our sweet tea and fireflies. The first incident involves a rather unique chicken that came home about the same time I did. We live out in the country on a little winding dirt road, and ever since I can remember people seem to think our road is a bit of a humane society for their unwanted animals. Usually they drop off dogs and cats that we, of course, end up rescuing and giving a loving home. We looked around last night and realized, save the beagles and the horses, all of our other animals were donated to us via the ditch bank find.
So anyways, this time someone graciously donated a chicken to us; not just any chicken, but a huge rooster with 2-3 inch spurs and an ego to go with them… he’s quite cocky! We heard him crowing 2 evenings ago, and then he managed to find our yard. I tried to herd him out of the woods and into the yard so my family could see him. I figured if I used a rather long and leafy stick, he would attack it and not me (most chickens I have run across are pretty dumb, you see). Doing my best to scare this chicken, he turns on me, jumps up in the air flailing all of his feathers, claws, and spurs at me, the innocent wielder of his annoyance. I underestimated this chicken, and needless to say I left him quite quickly and headed back for the yard! Soon enough though, he found our house and that our trampoline was as good a place as any for him to roost.
Here we are two days later, and “Foghorn Leghorn” has found our hens and scoped out his new home. Last night, we had a family cookout, and apparently chicken thought he was invited. He walked right up to the porch, gave himself a dirt bath and then jumped right up on our porch bench. This time dad tried to shoo him away with the broom. He got him out in the yard and then the chicken takes off around my dad back to his perch on the porch to rejoin my mom and aunts as we all laughed hysterically. My dad prides himself a bit on his lightning fast speed and the fact that he is a Clemson alumni (Tiger)…and then he gets beat by a chicken (gamecock). Not to be outdone and wanting to regain a bit of dignity, my dad went and put on a coat and some serious gloves. He walks right up to our rebel chicken and grabs him by the legs. He put up a little bit of a fight, but pretty soon he was as tame as any of our other pets and we all got to pet the infamous chicken. Dad took him out to his trampoline roost to remind him of his place in this house, and he remembered as he woke us all up this morning with his fearsome lungs at 6am!

The Standing Stones

So, I have switched over from my xanga blog, which can still be visited at xanga.com/whatif_I_stumble to A Standing Stone on blogspot... woohoo :)

A brief explanation for my choice in blog title. First of all, it is borrowed from the name of the praise band I was in at my church in high school, the Standing Stones... a spoof of the rolling stones and also a symbol of the work God has done in us. The Israelites would often erect a stone at a spot where God did something particularly amazing as a tribute and to remember that particular event. As a worship band, we wanted to be testaments, standing stones, to the amazing things God has done in us.

The purpose of this blog is to share thoughts on life as they come and create dialogue... to wrestle through what God has done and is doing and to praise Him for the marvelous plan He has for His children.