A Tale of the Redbank Wal-mart

Two nights ago, I found myself in the new Wal-mart in Red Bank. On my way to a wedding rehearsal dinner, I needed to stop by quickly and grab a few things to take with me. The Redbank Wal-mart was the most convenient and fastest choice (well, it would have been had they opened more than 2-3 registers). Prior to this night, I had been in this Wal-mart once before. It is one of those places that you walk around and are thankful that you have teeth, finished high school, and have family and friends that love and support you. My heart breaks at some of the conversations I overhear across aisles and in check-out lines, just a place of broken and hurting people.

Friday night was no exception. Surrounded in line by middle aged women barking on their cell phones buying milk, kids' cereal and a pack of Budweiser, I wondered at their existence, the desolate emptiness of their hearts. I wondered at their hurts, those arrows Eldredge talks about that are lodged so deep within them and wished there was something I could do right then and there to grant them freedom. Only God through His Son and the Holy Spirit can do that, but I pray that in some way He might use me in those situations to provide even a glimmer of hope.

Amidst all this, I am heading to a rehearsal dinner. The 3-4 high school friends I know are coming will all be bringing significant others. It's all around me, and it's a battle against the little voice in the back of my head yelling "You're all alone! Nobody likes you or will ever like you! All alone! You'll never date anyone, because ... is wrong with you!" A lie to battle with truth, but a tiring struggle. As much excitement as I had going to the rehearsal dinner for a dear friend, I dreaded the struggle it would be, the nagging questions and whispers I was convinced were all about the little lonely third wheel.

So... anyways... lots and lots of things whirling around my already tired and frustrated mind, when the guy behind me starts chatting. Small talk turned into him inviting me to Headliners, apparently a concert venue of some sort in the Vista next weekend. Kind of in emergency mode at this point, I apologized that I wouldn't be around as I was from out of town and was headed back home the next day (technically all true :). He looked kind of dejected, but wished me the best.

I walked out of the store, glancing over my shoulder to make sure I didn't have a shadow, and then just had to laugh at God's sense of humor. It's not about me being good enough (I'm not). It's not something I can worry about missing. It's not something that I need to worry about, period. It's about God's power, sovereignty, perfect timing, and the goodness of His plans for me and trusting in that and that alone. Granted, I stink at this, but if and when He has someone for me, it will come in His time, I won't miss it, and he will be the one God designed just for me to be his helpmate, the one He designed to lead me closer and closer to Him. Because, ultimately that's what it's all about...not the hokey pokey after all, but falling more and more in love with and growing closer to my Savior.

3 + 3 = 1

A question was posed tonight: What are 3 goals for you in the next 3 years and 3 goals for the next 3 months? I came up with one for each category rather quickly... a job in 3 months and finishing up PT school in 3 years. After that, I was a bit at a loss. I realized that although those are things I am working towards, none of it is within my power or is truly what I am working towards. Things came to mind: I would love to complete a triathlon. I'd love to do my dream trip of Europe and the Middle East. Even more, I'd love for God to use me to lead someone to Christ, but that is not something I can even begin to put parameters on. What do goals look like in my life when I desire nothing else but to serve whole heartedly and passionately my God, my Creator, my Savior? That is the goal... love God, love others. That's it... what more in this life and this world do I want? I want Jesus, to have the pure joy and freedom that comes only from Him. This thought process encouraged me after a long tough week just learning about humility and trusting Jesus to provide for me.
It also reminds me of a passage from "Red Moon Rising" and I feel like this pretty much sums up my life at the moment and how I would like to keep it:
"But what happens if you're not sure where you're going, only who you're going with and how? What happens if you're in it for the ride rather than the results?"
To run the race to its fullest and to chase every moment after Him who died and rose from the dead for me. What that looks like as a single girl in today's world...I haven't pieced together just yet but I know and trust that God will lead me and give me strength to follow hard after Him.
Finally, just a thought about contentment, which has been a huge battle lately mostly with relationships. Talking to a good friend who reminded me of the nearness of Christ as our husband and His sovereignty in allowing someone to step in. God has a hedge of protection around our hearts, and He is our protective papa. There are God-inflicted physical repercussions for anyone who tries to mess with His daughters. Wow... me, who has always longed for that big brother protector and to be pursued... God is near and God is good... things I "know" in my head, but it's so neat when God reveals them to my heart and comforts me... my Abba.