***Disclaimer... as I found a spare moment the beginning of this fall break, I decided to just write about the things God has done this wild and crazy semester and it basically turned into verbal vomit on the screen. These are just a string of thoughts...***


I find myself in my sister's dorm room at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, South Carolina. I have just completed a whirlwind of 13 weeks of school and am in a bit of shock realizing there are only 2 weeks of class remaining in my last fall semester as a student at Colorado State.
I cannot begin to describe the things God has done and taught me during the first 3-4 months of my 22nd year of existance, and yet I find myself with more questions and ponderings than ever before. Balance and tensions in God's Word tend to leave me hanging and at a loss for "what now?"
I have always been one to jump in with both feet. I read about CSU and 3 years later I moved into Newsom Hall a freshman equine science major. God showed me Mountain View and has grown me in that body for the last 3 1/2 years. Wilmington, I went. Tore my ACL and managed to play soccer, tennis, go surfing, wake boarding, and ride and show horses for 6 months before surgery. Pre-vet not for me? I find Pre-PT more interesting and changed my classes and 4 year plan the next day. Needless to say, I see an open door and charge. However, that entire menality was checked last spring when a door slammed in my face, God yanked the wheel from my hands (praise Jesus), opened another door and gave me a swift kick in the rear as I sailed through it, praying all the while that if this really wasn't where i was supposed to do, God would seal up every crack I could get through, knowing my mentality to charge like a bull (to the point of making people jump over 6 foot fences??! :)
After surrendering my summer and watching God do amazing things with me, I returned to my life unsure of the next steps, and unsure of how I should even go about making those steps... rather than jumping in, I was putting one toe at a time and testing each little pool. I ended up thinking of changing career paths yet again in what I call my senior year crisis. I was timid and felt so unsure of myself... I lost who I was as I struggled through all of the ups and downs and felt so far away from my Savior. I still struggle with my place in the world right now I guess... I can see a purpose further down the road, but in this limbo where leaving is possibly a short distance away, going with the changes of things I have been involved in in the past seems distant as well... like a spot I once occupied was somehow wisked away at some point and now I am at a loss for directions. I tried to be still but was so discontent and unsettled, I knew I could not remain in this particular state too much.
Finally, everything culminated in a week of decision. In something I can only attribute to God, I was stricken with a painful outbreak of coldsores on the inside of my mouth (honestly, Ihad like 15 at one point...). Okay, so not a big deal right, except for the fact that I have had a total of one, count it one cold sore in my entire life and it was confined to the corner of the outside of my mouth... So in the midst of physical ailments and overwhelming assignments and activities, I registered for classes, and two days later I scrapped it all and re-registered. Since then, a peace has overcome me, and once again I have an indescribable desire to know, obey, love, and therefore glorify my God... not a task, but a privilege. The world holds no joy as I can trust in Him and truly see the greater joy we have in His Name as opposed to what this world holds. No matter the beauty I see, the love I feel, the music I hear, the sweetness I smell and taste, it is all dirt, cow's dung, fingernails on a chalkboard compared to the place Christ is preparing for me and my brothers and sisters... that hope is real again. The security I had in that was removed from me as I sought security in a career, in a desire to go as I sat in a whirlwind, in myself and my ideas for life.
It is here that I find myself, and conversations from this weekend beg the questions. God says be still and know that I am God. Man plans his ways, and God directs his path. We are to trust Him and acknowledge Him in all that we do. His will and His plan for us is good. We are to be wise stewards of our time, money, all of the gifts God has granted. All of these things I believe and trust in, but just how they look in my life, His child's life in today's world, I cannot say. There's a balance between my charge mentality and the limbo of nothingness I found myself in. Charging forward is painful as doors slam you to the floor, but glorious as you see God work and are confronted with His sovereignty in the midst of any situation... there is no doubt in my mind God said "Go to Czech" and I grew so incredibly much as a result of that process. Then there is the waiting for God to give you a direction, which in my mind seems so much more agonizing, and yet I feel like you should be able to hear God's most gentle whisper. Except for the fact that when I am in those situations, my flesh rips me apart with doubt and depression.
So, how do I balance "GO" with "wait"? How do I pour myself out without the fear of change and separation? How can I live each and every day as if it were my last, with the urgency that Christ could indeed come back this very instant and the weeping and gnashing of teeth that will ensue by those around me who do not know the joy I hold? How can I be so selfish? In the words of LifeHouse: "How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?" How can I plan and surrender?
And my answer... only by God's grace... we can do nothing apart from Christ... and yet there seems to be a personal responsibility as well... not in salvation by any means or stretch of the imagination, but in the great commission, in our "not our own" life after the Holy Spirit inhabits us. The power to speak and create the entire universe lies within me, and yet the next 6 months, the next 6 days, seem so daunting...
So, action steps... seek and you shall find... we must know God to obey Him and love as He commands, which will give Him the most glory and be the most satisifying for us (see Piper's Let the Nations be Glad)

With that, the time change is getting to me and I have reached the end of this thought circle...