Yesterday, I found out I was accepted to the University of Florida's PT school for this fall. Elated, I began to allow myself to think on the dreams I have dreamt over the past 6 months. It kind of all came out in a conversation last night with one of my best friends. "I think God is giving me a heart for Africa..." "What? How serious is this? Since when? How did it happen? What are you thinking?" Her questions have sobered me. This is not going to Disney World. Missions anywhere is something I HAVE to be called to, not just go for the adventure and fun of it. I must go to seeking God alone and nothing else. but still... I recall just under 2 years ago a conversation where I confidently stated that I did not feel called internationally. What changed?
With that, I began looking back over my journals from the past 6 months or so to investigate just how God did get me here...
It all started probably with going to Czech 2 years ago (nothing like going international to ignite an international heart :) and then seeking a career I could go internationally with. I was leaning towards PT a lot, but couldn't find very many opportunities overseas. Then, graduation came.
Shortly after, I was blessed to meet and talk to Laura Rhodes. Her husband is a missionary doctor in Kenya. She encouraged me so much by talking about how much they need physical therapists there, and also just hearing a tiny bit of a first hand account of their life there.
Then, God sent me down to the tiny town of Springfield, Colorado to get PT hours with the PT there. She originally went into physical therapy for the mission opportunities, and so I spent a week talking about those opportunities with her, and finally spending time with a PT I didn't feel was just "pushing a rock up a hill" each day.
September 25th on a day trip to Greenville, NC to visit East Carolina University's PT Dept.
Fall has quickly set in, and with it comes a sense of nostalgia. As I drove down two lane roads between cottonfields and an occasional small town diner or bait shop, I couldn't help but feel at home and slightly homesick. Me, cruising by in my Jeep Grand Cherokee, sweater, slacks, and slipper shoes that couldn't withstand a puddle on the sidewalk, much less the muddy fields that whisked by my window. Despite all appearances, my heart yearned to pull over and run freely across the lush sea of grass and pine groves in some feable attempt to capture a piece of my childhood.
Arriving at ECUs DPT building, I get out of my car, ready to put my best foot forward and convince the world (and myself) that I can do anything, molding myself into the picture of business.
Just as I lock my door, I catch a glimpse of my reflection. I hardly recognize myself, and startled, I take a longer look. Where is that carefree little girl who dreamed big and truly believed anything is possible? Where is that free spirit that takes off across fields and leaps into lakes, rivers, and oceans with reckless abandon? A hardened, all business exterior gives just a tad, and I find her... a twinkle in my eye and then a joyful smile.
Amidst all the chaos, I can't lose track of who I am and who I want to be. I can't be what the world wants me to be, rather who God made me to be. That is why I am going to PT school... not for the lettes behind my name or to join in the rat race of getting ahead by impressing people and pushing a stone up a hill each day, but because that is where God is calling me, because I find joy in helping people like that, because I can use it internationally on missions, because living recklessly for the Kingdom is more fulfilling than anything this world can ever offer me, because I can stay joyfully childlike and not lose track of that twinkle in my eye.
January 1st, 2009
A glimmer of hope, encouragement as I ponder the future. Talking to Meg (Casciere) last night, the unlikely missionary in many ways. Listening to her chatter on about living in Brazil and going to Peru and Visas and buses...
Then at the guys' house, she dives into a similar discussion. My mind wondered as she echoed our earlier talk and then Sam (Matus) turns to me: "I can see you doing something like that." Jerked back to reality, scrambling for what 'that' might be, I realized Meg was still talking about missions abroad. Relief, hope, excitement - Yes! I hope so! I see myself doing that too! But how, where, when, what? What can I offer now?
So, this afternoon, as I explored PT opportunities - specialties, fellowships, residencies, in Vail, CO... wow- but does that help with missions stuff? How does it fit? Does it? A crossroads or a multi-late highway? I guess I am getting a little ahead of myself - I have to get into PT school first. [hehehe, done :)]
And then, randomly, I began searching for the Rhodes hospital in Kenya. Moving desire to go and help, to DO something. Can I go this summer? What a way to head into PT school this fall.
...
A joy I haven't felt in ages! But there are plenty of obstacles.
[Don't worry... just be patient and give it all to God and He will take it and mold it how He wishes]
January 27th (2 days before the acceptance note)
[recently chatted with one of my Czech friends about a Christian medical conference he is going to in February]
That got me searching... Lord, I want to serve you abroad... Uganda, Kenya, South America; my desire is to go. A-J's quotes [missionary quotes she posted] resonate. I know it's not easy and is not as glamorous as I perhaps imagine, but my heart feels so there! I want to go. Please use me, oh God, please use me.
[However, not my will but Yours be done.]
And now, back to today. Kevin's Invisible Children. Victor coming to our body and plugging in with college group.
A door has been opened; my heart has awakened in many ways, but I stand here with open hands. I am willing, Lord, have Your way with me.
Friday, January 30, 2009
God made me a cake
Yesterday, whether I knew it or not, turned out to be a pivotal day in the life of this adventurer. Yesterday morning, I woke up and went about my normal morning routine. Grabbed some fruit for breakfast, took a shower, etc. etc. Then I sat down with my Bible and opened up to Psalm 6. In it, David is pleading with God to remove the current trials in his life. He cries out "How long? How long, O Lord?" His soul is anguish and he appeals to what he knows is true about the Lord, His unfailing love.
The past month or so, I feel as if I have been bouncing along the bottom of myself, just struggling with a lot looking for yet another job and looking to the future not knowing where to even begin. Once again, kicked back stairing up at a hallway full of doors afraid to try too many for fear of rejection after rejection. Also, discouraged a little by how college ministry has started off this semester and just an overall loneliness out here on the East Coast.
So, I am identifying with David over the past few days in his cries for help. Please hear me, Lord! Not physically, but just emotionally I'm done. Financially, if you don't show up, then I am sunk! What do I do? Am I forced to leave? These thoughts just sent me into a spiral, and at the bottom, with David, I'm crying "how long? help me!"
Just finishing up with my quiet time, a familiar "Ding!" comes from the direction of my laptop. You've got mail. "Probably just some stupid spam," I think as I lean over to investigate. I recognize the sender as a lady from the University of Florida PT Department and immediately scan over to the subject: UF DPT Acceptance. Holding my breath (I was expecting a letter in the snail mail in mid-February...) I click to reveal the contents. Pinching myself, I realize that she is telling me that they are offering me a position in their program for this fall! My packet is coming, but she wanted to give me the great news immediately. Overcome, I begin jumping and dancing all around my house bursting with joy. Once I finally somewhat collected myself (I'm still not quite myself :), I laughed and was overwhelmed with God's goodness and faithfulness.
How long, huh? About 5 minutes, my child, just you wait! I am opening a door for you and giving you the desires of your heart, the ones I gave you in the first place.
Okay, so I am doing this Daniel fast. Over the past year in Colorado, when someone got accepted into grad school, we would get a cake and celebrate. As much as I wanted to go out and grab a latte and some cake to celebrate, I realized that that wasn't possible. Little did I know, God was making me a cake :) A little later, one of our Bible study girls calls and needs a mixer to make icing for a cake she is making for Bible study. She is so uberly excited about making us this cake, and enthusiastically makes sure I am going to be at Bible study tonight. This is not a Bible study I normally attend because I lead the other one, but how eagerly she wanted me to come just struck me. I met up with her to deliver the mixer, and she was just as excited about making this cake and having us eat it this evening. My face must have given it away, because her face just fell as she remembered we were on the fast and wouldn't be able to try it after all. I scrambled a bit and told her we might have to make an exception, something that had already run across my mind after talking with her on the phone. This fast is meant to draw closer to God, not to be an obstacle in fellowship, and I felt like serving and loving this friend would be dying to myself and my pride of going 3 weeks on fruits and vegetables and eating a piece of cake at Bible study that night.
It was only after Amber came home and I announced my good news and told her the story of the Colorado cakes, then later we talked about Bible study that she said "Totally, you have to have a piece of cake to celebrate!" Hannah had been planning to make this cake for a week, and God knew it would encourage me so. He made this cake for me and allowed me to eat it. Random, but He cares so much about the little things and can even orchestrate little things like that!
Although, I did eat the cake, and it was amazing, it didn't have it's usual hold over me... I was more joyous in sharing this celebration with dear sisters and celebrating God's faithfulness than with actually eating the cake. Exciting seeing how this fast is bringing me closer to my Savior and He is in fact answering prayers quite directly. O Praise Him!
Isaiah 25:1
The past month or so, I feel as if I have been bouncing along the bottom of myself, just struggling with a lot looking for yet another job and looking to the future not knowing where to even begin. Once again, kicked back stairing up at a hallway full of doors afraid to try too many for fear of rejection after rejection. Also, discouraged a little by how college ministry has started off this semester and just an overall loneliness out here on the East Coast.
So, I am identifying with David over the past few days in his cries for help. Please hear me, Lord! Not physically, but just emotionally I'm done. Financially, if you don't show up, then I am sunk! What do I do? Am I forced to leave? These thoughts just sent me into a spiral, and at the bottom, with David, I'm crying "how long? help me!"
Just finishing up with my quiet time, a familiar "Ding!" comes from the direction of my laptop. You've got mail. "Probably just some stupid spam," I think as I lean over to investigate. I recognize the sender as a lady from the University of Florida PT Department and immediately scan over to the subject: UF DPT Acceptance. Holding my breath (I was expecting a letter in the snail mail in mid-February...) I click to reveal the contents. Pinching myself, I realize that she is telling me that they are offering me a position in their program for this fall! My packet is coming, but she wanted to give me the great news immediately. Overcome, I begin jumping and dancing all around my house bursting with joy. Once I finally somewhat collected myself (I'm still not quite myself :), I laughed and was overwhelmed with God's goodness and faithfulness.
How long, huh? About 5 minutes, my child, just you wait! I am opening a door for you and giving you the desires of your heart, the ones I gave you in the first place.
Okay, so I am doing this Daniel fast. Over the past year in Colorado, when someone got accepted into grad school, we would get a cake and celebrate. As much as I wanted to go out and grab a latte and some cake to celebrate, I realized that that wasn't possible. Little did I know, God was making me a cake :) A little later, one of our Bible study girls calls and needs a mixer to make icing for a cake she is making for Bible study. She is so uberly excited about making us this cake, and enthusiastically makes sure I am going to be at Bible study tonight. This is not a Bible study I normally attend because I lead the other one, but how eagerly she wanted me to come just struck me. I met up with her to deliver the mixer, and she was just as excited about making this cake and having us eat it this evening. My face must have given it away, because her face just fell as she remembered we were on the fast and wouldn't be able to try it after all. I scrambled a bit and told her we might have to make an exception, something that had already run across my mind after talking with her on the phone. This fast is meant to draw closer to God, not to be an obstacle in fellowship, and I felt like serving and loving this friend would be dying to myself and my pride of going 3 weeks on fruits and vegetables and eating a piece of cake at Bible study that night.
It was only after Amber came home and I announced my good news and told her the story of the Colorado cakes, then later we talked about Bible study that she said "Totally, you have to have a piece of cake to celebrate!" Hannah had been planning to make this cake for a week, and God knew it would encourage me so. He made this cake for me and allowed me to eat it. Random, but He cares so much about the little things and can even orchestrate little things like that!
Although, I did eat the cake, and it was amazing, it didn't have it's usual hold over me... I was more joyous in sharing this celebration with dear sisters and celebrating God's faithfulness than with actually eating the cake. Exciting seeing how this fast is bringing me closer to my Savior and He is in fact answering prayers quite directly. O Praise Him!
Isaiah 25:1
