A Grieved Heart

I find myself in a familiar place as just a few years ago when there was a similar blow. Once again grounded on the Rock, but grieved as others fall away. Not understanding in many ways how what once was, how that time shaped me to be who I am today, how it could be so different for them, how this is even possible. Yet, the deceiver is good at just that. My heart aches for dear, dear friends. And I'm at a loss for what to say or think in response to them. Believing and knowing what I know, how can I help but mourn. There can be no patting on the head and telling of "it'll be okay" when everything inside me screams the contrary, the Truth. What does it look like to love as Christ did and does in this situation?

But even more so, my heart mourns for the church, the church that is shooting its wounded and is paralyzed by religion. My soul cries that God's perfect design is being so desecrated that it is chasing people away and forcing them to turn to the things of the world, rather than embracing the broken and hurting; that it is compromising in order to be relevant rather than preaching the Truth the world so desperately needs to hear; that the church, the 'already' part of the kingdom of God is defiling the name of Christ.

To you dear friends, I do love you and miss running the race with each of you during the days of The Standing Stones and many stumblings of life :) Yes, the church is a perfect design made up of imperfect people, and it has failed miserably. God will redeem all things. How can we learn of the unsearchable, incomprehensible Yhwh of the Tnk and run away because of man? I obviously can't understand exactly what each of you is processing through; I can only describe to you my testimony of the beauty of God's design in the church body He has given me. A body that, though very much imperfect, is real with one another and strives to be close enough to hurt one another. In other words, close enough to avoid the stained-glass masquerade and to challenge one another in this walk. A family, a community, accountability, spurring one another on in love as we shine as a light into this dark and lost world, challenging one another not only to be hearers of the Word, but doers as well, not so we feel good about ourselves or puff ourselves up to somehow become good enough for salvation (our best deeds are filthy rags before God's holiness), but because of the magnitude of grace given to us through Jesus Christ.

I can't even imagine trying to keep this up on my own without these people He's given me to speak into my life, including you guys. In fact, it can't be done as a loner. Don't believe the lie. The local church, not this worldly picture of organized religion you may have, is so important in that. And yes, once again, we suck and therefore, the church has some massive downfalls, but the answer is not abandoning it. I submit it's long term active repentance and humbly seeking God alone and His will in advancing the gospel to the ends of the earth, fearing God and not man.

It's so easy to think "Oh, well you just found a good one with good people." No, we are just as wretched as the people of Boiling Springs; it's only through humility and God's grace this place is possible. Broken people submitting to God's design and the truth found in His Word, focusing on Him and not our own agendas (and we're all guilty of missing that). It's easy to point fingers: "if only they did..." or "if only they said..." That reeks of the arrogance you claim to dislike so much about the church, because the church isn't about your desires, it's about Him. He is good; He is sovereign; He wants to give each of us good things; He will come in judgement. Cling to Him alone before an audience of One. Repent, come before His throne, cast your crowns at His feet and bask in the pleasures forevermore at His right hand.

Just some thoughts from my perspective. I will never understand this side of eternity why sovereignly I was led to Mountain View and Crossway while you guys only found hypocrisy and hurt. I don't understand how the passion unleashed in us during our few years at Boiling Springs has become null and void for the majority of us at this point. What seemed so real to me then has been so easily swept under a rug for you now. I know most of them would say they did have something real then, but how could it have been real without being life changing?

Confused, I press on, praying God will give me the wisdom and boldness to love on people so they may know His joy and peace and complete fulfillment. With all of this tumbling down around me, I look to the next month and the opportunity to serve in Czech teaching English camp to high school students and encouraging the youth group there. A resurgence of passion for youth ministry, I think back on my girls in Fort Collins and pray fervently for God to use this time to change their lives and impress upon them the glory of His name and its fulfillment above all things. I pray they wouldn't face the struggles of my youth group. I pray for the leaders there and here in Wilmington, that God will use them to point them only to Christ. I pray that God would use my time with Mountain View's youth group last year, in Czech this summer, and my future hopefully in youth ministry to truly change their lives and perspective on the world. That despite anything they will face, it is Christ alone in whom they rest, not their families, the structure of the church, their friends, their activities or the everyday dramas that will seem so trivial in hindsight... that none of that will separate them from the love that God has for them. Lord, please use me to prevent this pain and loss in their lives.