One of those weeks...months even.

*A rambling post... be forewarned*

You ever have those weeks, months where everything you touch just seems to crumble in your hands, the anti-Midas touch, you could say. You can't seem to get anything right and are stripped bare for the absolute failure that you really are. You realize how much you try to please man and the world around you, and when that falls through, you are left with this incredibly empty and distressed chasm somewhere in the chest and abdomen area.
Yea, well, it's been like that for me here lately. I know in my head that, as a believer in Christ, I am a new creation and no longer live for the things of this world, for people's approval of me, but I am simply tired of this struggle. I am so tired of being stressed about these things and after so much begging for it to just go away, to be removed, because I know I can't do it myself; I need help... yet here I still am, hurting, alone, and not sure where to turn.
I hold my stress in my shoulders, and in high school, my shoulders were knots all the time. I am surprised I didn't get migraines or headaches of any kind from the shear intensity of the tension through my shoulders... my riding and guitar instructors just hated it! This continued a while in college, but I'd say over the past year or so, the burden has been lifted quite literally off my back and shoulders. However, this morning I woke up and there was a familiar ache, that despite my massaging, relaxing and shoulder rolling was right there.
Uggggggggghhhh!
"Stop trying so hard to stop trying so hard." Lyrics from a favorite band linger in my mind. How do you stop trying so hard to stop trying so hard???

It's in these times, I begin to dream though. Discontentment in the here and now? Dream of what may be. Maybe not the greatest idea, but for now it helps.

PT school just around the corner. Ok, stomach officially turning over... further in the future then.
May 2012 - Leah Cameron Taylor, DPT.

What now?
I do have an exciting opportunity to get plugged back into youth ministry when I am in Gainesville. I have loved college ministry, but feel like youth ministry maybe a more long term place for me. Even just this afternoon... thinking on what to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon... bucket ball? photo scavenger hunt? roaming gnomes? where's waldo? oh, good times. But even sweeter were the quiet small group discussions with my girls, laughing yes, but diving deep into Scripture and allowing God to bring it to their "level"... not that we're bringing it down, so to speak, but just into their lives and minds, lives that haven't yet began to understand the oppression and pressures of the world. To see them step outside of themselves and see people as Christ does, even if just for a brief moment as we serve someone or they confess they've been wretched to their little brother and need prayer for that. I think what I miss most of all about youth ministry and even college ministry a bit in Colorado (a bit here too but we really didn't get quite to this point) is their willingness and "up for anything"-ness. I miss wishing we had some alone time at our house, rather than wishing the opposite. I miss long afternoons of Ultimate, kickball, volleyball, hot cocoa and games, and how those always managed to generate incredible conversations that I still look back on challenged. How do you replicate that? How do you foster that in other groups? That'd be the million dollar question for the summer here. Is it simply time? Obviously, it's totally the Lord leading, but surely there's some responsibility or steps we can take?

Something else I miss is just knowing that I was completely inadequate but that God was using me anyway. I think that's why Czech was such a turning point for me. And here I am trying to take control and fighting it ever so hard, but in the end, ultimately knowing I can't do it, but somehow Christ will triumph victory over my flesh. Just wish it wasn't so painful right now.

Anyways... back to 2012. My goal is to go to the Olympics in London after I graduate. Not to compete or anything, just to go. And then depending on whatever loan repayment looks like, to continue to go. Matthew 28:20, Acts 13-20 style GO. South America, Africa, South Pacific, Europe... sharing Jesus and rehabing people. Or maybe I'll be taking a fellowship in Vail, CO working with world-class athletes, shining and sharing there. Or perhaps in that log cabin on top of the hill from my parents' house on the family farm, working at Moore Ortho clinic (where it all started for me), helping with church plants and youth ministry and taking short term medical projects...

Big dreams. What other way is there to dream? Especially trusting in Jeremiah 29:11, and knowing that all the things I can fathom are really nothing compared to God's plan for my life and the blessing and goodness He has in store.

But, to be honest, thinking on these things and thinking of doing them alone scares me. I desire a running buddy in this race. Before the fall of mankind in Eden, Adam was alone in sinless, full fellowship with God, and it was not good for him to be alone. I sense and feel that more now than ever. Yes, I have the almighty King of the universe abiding in me, and that is enough. He is more than enough and will be in whatever He has in store, but yea... so strange as a single girl trying to figure out a place in ministry and just plan life. what does it look like? seems like a silly question even as I post these big dreams I have, but in light of this year...
Oh... i just don't know anymore. Just trust. By faith, Enoch walked with God. By faith.